Lifedoodling

I lay on the bed sick and hurting
my stomach racked from the pain
my mind racing with thoughts and fears
the realization that I could die foremost
In that moment you become truly afraid or truly free

Afraid because of all the
undone
unsaid
unfelt
unfinished
free because of all the above does not matter

What have I left undone?
To see my boys grow up to be men
To hold them so tight they never forget that hug

What have I left unsaid?
To tell my boys I love them one more time

What have I left unfelt?
The morning sun one more time on my face before going into the eternal night
The touch of my boys hands on mine.

What have I left unfinished?
Being the father I never had
Being the man I have always wanted to be.

I am not free of these things.

I hope I never will be.

Tue, Jan 17 - 12:37 PM

I wake up and the only people I want to spend the day with are my 3 boys. I look forward to the weekend for this very reason.

Tornado No. 2: “Dad what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Me: “I’m already grown up.”

Tornado No. 2: “Ok, What did you WANT to be when you grew up?”

Me: “When I was younger I wanted to be an attorney.”

Tornado No. 2: “So when you were younger you wanted to be an attorney but then you met a girl and became a dad?”

Me(laughing really hard): “That’s a good way of looking at it.”

What happened to Chinesebob?  Did I get pissed off at everyone?  Did I fly to a far away land without the aid of Internet or other social media?  Did I die?  Am I a spoiled whiny prima dona that didn’t like the way someone sneezed at me?

Well some of the above but I’m obviously still very much alive, so not that one.  I didn’t fly away.  I still have Internet access.  I don’t consider myself a spoiled whiny prima dona but someone did sneeze at me and didn’t like it.  

When I “up and left” twitter, it became apparent that my presence on twitter was being monitored for purposes other than just entertainment.  Being the somewhat paranoid person that I am, I reacted as I know how.  Withdrew.  

The truth is, I like the people on here that I was following.  I liked interacting with them as I was.  They are my neighbors and friends.  Maybe I was a little less than reverent before.  As a role model for the 3 most important people in the world to me, I’m going to be a little more reverent, or respectful.  

I realize that as long as I’m on here that I’m at risk of being monitored by people with not so nice motives.   Rather than run and hide from it, I’m going to say go ahead.  Take your best shot.  Monitor away.